I guess the best way to describe what I was going through would be an “existential crisis.” Without music in my life, I had no purpose. I hadn’t performed in two years and couldn’t write a single song. I felt little to no inspiration and had lost all confidence in myself. Who I was and what I was doing with my life was a mystery to me. With all the anguish and inner turmoil I was going through, I found myself searching for answers or any form of clarity.
Instead of waiting for something to miraculously fall into my lap, I decided to take matters into my own hands and began shedding the negativity in my life. It wasn’t easy by any means, because I essentially had to just “rip the bandaid off” so to speak. The baby steps I was taking in my life up to that point weren’t proving effective in the slightest. I craved instant gratification so I first started weeding out the so called “friends” who I felt weren’t proving to be positive influences in my life. To top it off, without any real plan of action, I quit my job of three years which at one point in time was my everything and had hoped for the best. I was jobless for the first time in my entire life and it was truly terrifying. But, I knew leaving that toxic environment behind was still the best decision for me in the long run. Instead of struggling to find a “career,” I focused on finding something I knew I was good at and with no strings attached, to avoid feeling stuck or trapped again. I needed a decent paying job that had no stress, drama and gave me the freedom to finally be creative again. I didn’t want to give up on music quite yet. My heart had been broken so many times, I knew I had so much more to give and so much to say.
I was so down on myself for not being creative or inspired the past few years that what I didn’t realize was that there are multiple ways to be creative. Moving into my new home in Highland Park pushed me to be find other creative outlets I also enjoyed and in turn my inspiration for music came back: the end to my creative dry spell. I found so much joy in nesting, decorating each bedroom and working on projects for the house. I started building benches and shelves and felt so proud and accomplished. I watched movies that inspired me, attended shows of local bands. Without even noticing my mojo was creeping back into my life slowly filling with creativity and an eagerness to get back on stage. The last eight months I have been planning, writing and recording my very first solo EP. It has 3 songs that I have written in the past 4 years and I am very proud of them. With the help of some amazing supportive friends, I am able to confidently put out my most vulnerable and honest song writing and singing to date. It’s about what I went through and what I still go through. A deeper look inside my head and inside my heart.
I am so much stronger and more equipped to handle what life throws at me. I am in such a better place in my life right now. I found true love. I take better care of myself: I drink less alcohol, I eat better, and joined a gay women’s softball league. I changed jobs, I go to therapy every week, I meditate and “try” yoga. But most of all, I try not to be so hard on myself. I stopped holding grudges and reconnected with old friends. Holding on to negative energy just caused me unnecessary grief. I needed to let go.
It took love and loss to teach me that I’m amazing and braver than I give myself credit for. Life has no timeline and not a single person has the same destiny or path. Age doesn’t mean you should give up on your dreams just because you are getting older. Be your truest self and don’t hold back. It feels so good to start this musical journey on my own. Just me, and my heart open for anyone who is willing to listen.