I never imagined that I would get married. Not only was it a generally ‘off-brand’ idea, but it wasn’t a daydream I indulged in. This fact was odd because I fantasized about literally every other aspect of growing up. When I was a little kid, I couldn’t wait to be a big kid. As a big kid, I couldn’t wait to be a pre-teen. I now know this isn’t a thing; you’re just a big kid still. This trend continued my whole life. I was ambitious in aspects of my life that were unusual—such as aging and turning 35 so I could run for President. However, I never actually fantasized about getting married.
I’ve never been too girly; at least I’m not in my mind. Sure, I wear hair extensions and go through phases of adhering to beauty trends. However on a typical day, I don’t wear makeup, I don’t style my hair, and I certainly
don’t didn’t sit around thinking of a hypothetical future wedding. I didn’t grow up in a situation where I was able to envision or invent my big day in my mind and I was often scolded or yelled at if I brought up any trepidation and suspense regarding coming-of-age experiences. I suspect to “not give me any ideas,” my mom purposefully never indulged in any bride fantasy with me as a kid. In fact, I was never allowed to see her wedding dress IRL until like two weeks ago.
Once I got to be about 20 or so, I started to want to cross the milestone of marriage for myself. Luckily I didn’t, although at the time it plagued me as to why no one had proposed yet. I was a complete idiot and thought I should be getting married and having babies by 22.
During that time I worked with a mysterious Palestinian man, Azee. He was fantastic, with a sense of humor that transcended time, generations and culture. He was just like Kramer from Seinfeld. Anyway, he rushed up to me after a staff meeting one day to tell me how he’d just seen a cobbler for a haircut, “for only two dollars!” I rolled my eyes—something I found myself doing a lot around Azee—and continued listening to his story which included his bizarre path to receiving a haircut from a cobbler. Then, at the last minute, he asked to read my palm (something I took very seriously). He looked me dead in the eye and said, “As I thought, you will never marry,” and just like that, he walked away (for the sake of drama, imagine that this was the last time I ever saw him).
I was stunned. I did everything short of tossing my head back and howling my frustration to the world. Why ME?!? Years passed, relationships ended and began, and I could never stop thinking about the prophesy for my life. Slowly I started to believe that maybe what Azee had divined was not true. Maybe I had the ability to change the course of my future? Gradually and steadily I regained my confidence that what “should be” in my life, would be.
In some twisted turn of fate, it turns out I’m pretty traditional when it comes to oaths and vows. I was raised Catholic, and when you’re Catholic, everything is a big deal that carries the weight of the universe, especially anything ceremonious. I don’t believe in divorce, and I would never agree to one (yes there are exceptions). For this reason, I’ve especially always considered marriage a very sacred thing. Even now in my excitement of getting married, there’s something solemn about it.
I used to be a person who wouldn’t be getting married until gay marriage was legalized. Luckily, now everyone can be included in the magick of matrimony! Often I was someone who planned things impulsively, driven by the anxiety of procrastination and the thrill of living on the edge of that acceptability. I have hated the process of planning, which is a story for another post. Now, almost ten months after my engagement, the decorations are coming together, the flowers have been ordered, and the music is booked. I can’t decide on chairs or desserts, and I cannot believe this enormous, beautiful, fabulous wedding is my own.
And so here I am! Despite Azee’s prognostication that had me fearing for the future of my relationships, I’m five weeks from my wedding day! I’m contemplating all the things that I used to be. I’m leaving behind habits, patterns, and thoughts. I guess the thing that scares me—other than getting up in front of 200 people and saying embarrassing sappy shit to the guy I love—is that I don’t know who I’m going to be. The future is a mystery. It holds so much that I’m not ready for and an entire lifetime of things I never imagined for myself—and I want it so much.
I’m sure I’ll proclaim that I’m burning down everyone’s notions of feminism, marriage, and motherhood—only to have those things happen to me and realize that we’re all the same. I can’t wait to know who I am as a wife and a mother. My heart is full. I cannot wait to begin this life with the man I love. I feel so excited, and scared, and blessed all at the same time. I’m getting married, and a big change is coming.